Yep I said it… Life after 33 days under a stay at home order sucks! I’ve been big on the “we will get through this together”, “this too shall pass.” “This is not any different than my typical day working from home” “I’m really good” platitudes. But you know what THIS IS so different and I am so not good.
This post was going to be titled Front Porch sit-in. Cute right? I was going to include this cute pic of my fluffy dog Chase, and still might. But life is playing out all cute and great. It is not a country song, being sung by some dreamy cowboy. It is in your face four walls, same person, bad news in print on social media, on the TV, meals school work, working from home, etc. 24/7 for 33 freaking days!!
I’ve now cooked or planned 66 meals, done 25 loads of laundry, cleaned the house really good 2X’s, mastered the art of ordering groceries on-line (well all most!) and I’m pissed. I did not sign up for this! My days used to be filled with coffee meetings, walking/window shopping (don’t hate on me!), people watching, lunches with good friends, deep conversations, etc. etc. etc. Now they are filed with; what do you want for dinner? The response of a blank stare is not new ;-). Did I finish that load of laundry? Uhm no, it now smells, so run that sucker again! How long will the coffee last? 3 weeks… and then we are doomed! And on it goes…
If I read one more: vitamin ABCY will cure the Corona virus we just need to take more. Flush out your sinuses hourly, this virus lives there and be sure to rinse you mouth too. This is a Deep State conspiracy or The worst is over we are fine, God is in control, God sent this to thin the herd (honestly people I read that one this week of FaceBook, WTF are you thinking!) line of crap one more time I might explode. I am not fine! We are not fine! Our daily lives have been turned upside down!
While I believe strongly God Is with us in this storm, I’m also looking at the belief held by Christians as we celebrate Good Friday. Even Christ was not “saved from” or “kept from feeling alone during” the evil and sickness in our world. As Christ hung on that cross, his father was with him but at times he didn’t feel it. He cried out “My God, My God Why have you forsaken me?” Not because he felt Gods closeness but because in that moment he was afraid of what he was facing. Jesus was afraid! I’m afraid right now too. God’s response was silence and yet it wasn’t. God was with him in the storm, quietly whispering in his ear, holding his hand as it trembled, loving him from afar. Sometimes, just like Jesus, I can feel Gods hand holding mine, other times I feel desperately alone.
Why am I telling you all this? Because we are human and like the humanness of Christ we can say this SUCKS! We too can cry out, God where the hell are you, why are people dying, why are you letting this happen? And we don’t have to have an answer. God is big enough for all these questions and frustrations. We do not need to be super Christians and falsely strong, denying our humanity. We can ride the wave, offer ourselves and others grace, just be in this time of crap and frustration, knowing we are not alone. That laundry will still be there. No one is going to see the paw prints on my kitchen floor and that dog hair in last night casserole… Yeah probably would have been there anyway.
For this moment I’m trading in my anger for creativity, for writing to you all. It might last an hour, it might last the whole day. Hell if I’m honest it might only last until I post this rant. And still I’m going to try to see myself, with God’s grace, as enough in this storm.
How will you give yourself grace to be enough today? Will you paint? Clean out that closet? Snuggle and watch movies with the kids? Have a good old deep sobbing cry for all you have lost in this storm? However you greet this day, may you know you are enough. You can be angry, pissed off, not have answers, be scared, fearful, anxious, the whole damn feeling wheel is your playground! Be human, God loves us humans! Jesus cried out and so can we!