We Are Not Alone

Last week I got really good news. I am slowly getting better, my brain is healing. However, it’s not perfect yet, I still get tired easily, weather and pressure changes affect how my head feels, thinking takes energy, my balance has always been poor and now it just plain sucks, the dizziness comes and goes when I least expect it and computer time hurts. But hey I’m getting better. These 3 simple words are easy to say and less easy to feel.

One night last week I was wide awake at 3:00 am I just couldn’t get my brain to shut off. I was filled with worry about being a disappointment to my doctors, my family, my job, yada, yada, yada! Yes, even in the midst of the health chaos I am battling performance anxiety. That night I had a long internal battle with my voices, those long ago formed mental maps. We went to the mat together, they repeatedly reminded me of my parents strength, fortitude and can do attitude, my calling and responsibilities to PACEM, my family’s need for me to be strong and courageous, my husband’s desire to one day be able to retire, my fear of abandonment. I owed all these thoughts and people so much, I needed to “get back on the horse” so to speak and ride.

I would speak back to these voices and thoughts. NO I am enough! I owe it to all these people to be healthy, take care of myself, take time to heal, not go to fast and most of all not fall prey to the patterns that got me here in the first place, they will not leave me, I am not alone. This was hard vulnerable talk for me. I never want to disappoint anyone, I want to be seen as strong and resilient, failure or being less than perfect is not an option in my book.

As I lay there softly crying to myself, I realized these expectations where all my own. These constructs were formed over my life by experience, loss, fear and yes abandonment. They are part of who I am but they can be tamed and reimaged. I don’t have to continue to live in a world bound by fear, they do not define me. I am loved and freed by the love of God in Christ. The Divine loves unconditionally! It is harder to live into this space of honesty than I ever realized. To say these words is easy, to live them can be a daily battle of the mind.

I have always been the keeper of the faith in our home. Nothing we ever faced was enough to cause me to waver. Last week my faith was wavering. I shared all my doubts and fears with my dear partner in crime and love of my life, my husband Mike. We cried, hugged, laughed and cheered each other on. He carried my fears and confusion gently. At the end of our talk I thanked him for having enough faith for both of us this time.

I am still battling my inner demons but I am not battling alone. There are others standing beside me, in front of me and behind me who have faced these foes and won. I am standing with me, that little girl who felt so lost and alone so many years ago, is standing here with me. I am lucky, we are all lucky, no one is alone, we just need to be vulnerable and say “I’m afraid, I’m not strong enough right now, will you carry this load with me?

Healing will take time for me. It will mean learning to take things at a slower pace, to listen to my body, to be vulnerable and show my weaknesses. But I choose to heal and not run head long into the next wall because I might not survive the next one.

With hope and Joy,

Adriana

“It’s taken me a lifetime… To discover… That little girl and I… Are one… She is within me… Not standing aside, alone in this world. She is me and we are not alone. The fear that wanted to over-shadow everything cannot hold me anymore. We are on this journey together and from today on. We are one and we are free.” -Lori Brough

“My mind swirled with memories of the life I had led. The constant struggle to keep up appearances, the pretenses, the smiles that had been met with tears. The long sleepless nights, the loneliness that cloaked my spirit and turned me into a true ghost.” ~ Anchee Min

“Do not look back, No one knows how the world ever began. Do not fear the future, nothing lasts forever. If you dwell on the past or future, You will miss the moment.” ~ Rumi

It is not enough for us…within the arena of the world’s pain merely to know of a God who sympathizes. It is not even enough to know of a God who heals. We need to know of and be connected with a God who experiences with us, for us, each grief, each wound. We need to be bonded with a God who has had nails in the hands and a spear in the heart.    {Flora Wuellner}