It has been a while since I’ve written and for once I have a good reason. LOL. First a disclaimer, being told you may have stage 4 cancer changes your perspective on many things. Second, if a possible cancer diagnosis doesn’t get your blood pressure up, being told they’re not sure, will send you over the edge. While I can write in big glorious words (read many syllables), I can’t speak them right now. I have often found cussing to be more appropriate, so now I have the perfect excuse, my brain is damaged! If you are offended by bad language be warned, you will come across it now on my blog. Being real is much more important to me than being politically, or spiritually correct!
Glad that’s out of the way! This journey started last week. It’s a journey because I can’t fight my own body, and who decided you had to fight anyway? We don’t fight “high Blood pressure” so why fight a disease. We do the best we can to follow the doctors’ orders and get well, the end. Back to my story…
On Tuesday, August 7th, 2018 I had a “thunder clap” headache. Never heard of that before, me either. It is a headache that feels like a thunderclap would. Next time a thunder storm hits, go outside, watch the thunder and listen to it, really feel it. Thunder and lightning are loud, sharp, electrical and then gone. If you ever feel this, go to the ER! Do not do what I did and go to bed! Yes, you would think with a Master’s degree I would have thought something was up but I always heard a stroke or brain bleed was “the worst headache you ever had.” Even, being an EMT in my 20’s didn’t make me think this was odd. Add I have headaches regularly and you get the picture, I went to bed and slept well. :o)
On Wednesday I noticed my speech was odd, slurred sort of. So after calling my PCP, I drove myself to the ER. Cut me some slack here, it was the anniversary weekend of Aug 11 & 12 in Charlottesville and my car would have been towed since it was downtown! I was really okay at that point too. When I arrived the Doc even said I was fine. Then it all went to hell in a hand basket.
After an MRI, everything changed rather quickly. By the time the night was over, my head was scanned 3 times and they were sure I had Cancer hiding somewhere. After 3 days, and 6 scans, still no cancer found, however, I now glow in the dark! My co-worker said I’m like She Hulk, big, green and fight for equality for all. Lol
Not to be fooled, the doctors kept looking for cancer. Let me tell you a breast MRI is a throwback to Mediaeval torcher chambers! While lying on your stomach you must place you breast in a rectangular hole (yes hole), once one side is positioned, without moving, you are instructed to put the other side in another hole! The whole time you are on a slanted board with your head hanging down. This is like no yoga you have ever done! Oh and the face holder cover is over sized, so you are suffocating and the test hasn’t even started yet! As I left, I told the 4 people reviewing the scans “nice torture chamber you got there!” They all laughed. FYI: If I get breast cancer I’m going to die. I’m never going in one of those things again!
So why tell you this story? Well for one it was hilarious to live through and two, I lived through it! I am now 11 days out from a traumatic brain event (no real diagnosis yet), I’m alive, typing and cracking jokes. God met me in the middle of the crap and walked with me. While I had to look hard sometimes, JOY was all around. In my roommates, in my nurses, my doctors, and especially the sun that shone through my window each morning. It wasn’t perfect, in fact it sucked most of the time, and I was alive for it all. That is the true JOY, I was alive every day, to pray for my roommates, to meditate through really shitty tests and stump a bunch of really uber smart people.
As time goes on I will tell you more about my experiences. There were JOY sightings everywhere, there will be more sightings. Our Creator daily presents us with a world full of JOY, we just have to look for it!
Where is your JOY today? Claim it, don’t wait until tomorrow!
Isaiah 55:12 New International Version (NIV)
12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
Isaiah 55:12-13 The Message (MSG)
12-13 “So you’ll go out in joy,
you’ll be led into a whole and complete life.
The mountains and hills will lead the parade,
bursting with song.
All the trees of the forest will join the procession,
exuberant with applause.
No more thistles, but giant sequoias,
no more thornbushes, but stately pines—
Monuments to me, to God,
living and lasting evidence of God.”